The Sakamaki Notice Board
by Lalill
Summary: Reiji just couldn't stand the behavior of the mansion's residents anymore, so he came to the conclusion that more regulations are required to be added every week, to keep them in check, since he's the second son after all.
1. The cutest cinnamon buns in town

Welcome to this little humorous piece of nonsense.

I came across this idea in another fandom and I quite liked it, so I wanted to give it a try with Diabolik Lovers because I haven't seen this idea in this fandom yet and was interested yet a little curious to see how it would turn like.

 **So here comes the new "Sakamaki Notice Board!". Hope you all like it!**

Big thanks to **Nakashima Hatsuharu** for proofreading and correcting this chapter as well as the story in the future!

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 _Summary: Reiji just couldn't stand the behavior of the mansion's residents anymore, so he came to the conclusion that more regulations are required to be added every week, to keep them in check, since he's the second son after all._

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 ** _To all residents in this mansion_**

This immodest and improper demeanor all of you have demonstrated lately will not be tolerated anymore. More regulations seem to be required and I do strongly suggest that you would do as they say if you don't wish to be punished.

I will also update the information given at this board once a week – more precisely every Monday – and I strongly recommend reading them regularly.

If there are any questions, or if anything is unclear to you, please do not hesitate to inform me about it.

 _Sakamaki Reiji_

P.S. How come that all sweets in this household go missing directly right after I just brought them? _*leering at Kanato*_ I do at least wish to get my "Truffes Classiques" made by Marcolini back since they taste delicious in combination with my new bought tea combination from England!

 **Shu:** Don't complain the next time I happen to step on you because you're were sleeping on the floor around a corner. I don't care if you were there first! The hallways are an area used by everyone and you are not authorized to bar others from using them! If you prefer to sleep, go to your room! Also, get a life.

 **Laito:** I don't care if it was that girl's wish to make out with you in the middle of the entrance hall! That is where we greet our guests, so stop using it as a place for your lewd conduct!

 _Marginal note: Pink underpants with hearts on it do look ridiculous even on you. I suggest you keep that in mind._

 **Ayato:** What do you mean you lost her 'somehow'? How can you lose her at a trip to the mall?! I don't care if there was a booth selling the best takoyaki in the world! I want you to bring that woman back immediately or there will be punishment!

 _Marginal note: Stop throwing my tea sets out of the window, I know it was you, Ayato!_

 **Subaru:** I will withhold your pocket money until you learn how to get your aggressions under control. Do not start a dispute with me over this. Aside from that, I hope you're fully aware of the fact that it just doesn't seem to make sense that Yui would have made that hole in the wall next to the entrance while having some kind of female tantrum.

 **Kanato:** Seriously, how many sweets are you capable of eating?! And NO, I will not double the amount of sweets I already buy for you because Teddy wants some as well!

 _Marginal Note: Stop fake crying. We are all capable of reading your face by now!_

 **Richter:** You're not very good at hiding. If you're trying to sneak around, try doing it in a more professional way. Furthermore, father told me to inform you that you should just start getting your own children instead of lurking around in the shadows to observe your brother's children.

 **Yui:** Where do I even start? You could at least try to be helpful from time to time and obey my commands. I'd also appreciate if you would stop being so annoying.

Oh and pay me a visit, I'm feeling thirsty.

 **Ruki:** What in the name of Dracula are you even doing here?!

 **Yuma:** I don't even want ask why you are here as well. Could you please just stop yelling at Kanato? His tantrums and fake crying really drives me insane.

 **Kou:** Quit provoking Subaru! It becomes more difficult to find people who are willing to repair the holes in the walls each time!

Also stop taking selfies in the bathroom with Ayato! I don't care if your fans want to see frequent updates of "the cutest cinnamon buns in town"!

 **Azusa:** Talking to your scars is creepy enough. Please refrain from dripping blood in every bathroom and drawing flowers on the floor with it after cutting yourself, it's disgusting.

* * *

Reiji comes out a bit OOC in-between, but I couldn't help it. :D

I have many ideas for further chapters, so I'll try to go on probably. =)


	2. The naked apron prince

**To all residents in this mansion:** This immodest and improper demeanor all of you have demonstrated lately will not be tolerated anymore.

More regulations seem to be required and I do strongly suggest you do as they say if you don't wish to be punished.

I will also update the information given at this board once a week – more precisely every Monday – and I strongly recommend reading them regularly.

If there are any questions do not hesitate to inform me about it.

Sgd: Sakamaki Reiji

* * *

 **Ayato:** I've seen your school grades. You should ask Shu how his survival trip to the North Pole, as a penalty for staying down a year in school, had been. I'm sure he'll have some interesting stories to share.

Apart from that I'm tired of telling you that we won't call you "Ore-sama". It will never happen. Stop trying.

 **Laito:** I really admire your new found cooking enthusiasm but … just stop it. I mean it. The kitchen won't survive another "kitchen adventure with the naked apron prince" – and my eyes won't survive another encounter with you cooking in nothing but an apron. Besides I forbid you to post things like that on Instagram, it makes all of us appear in a ridiculous light.

Also: Don't spy on me while Yui is with me. It's highly inappropriate!

 **Shu:** Talk to Ayato, maybe the refreshing of some frosty memories will remind you of the fact that even you have to go to your lessons. I don't care if you sleep in the classroom or dance on the table, just be present. Oh and stop pretending to sleep while actually observing Yuma, it's somehow irritating.

 **Subaru & Yuma:** I appreciate the fact that you found a proper and acceptable way to get rid of your aggressions. Breaking each other instead of walls, floors, doors and other valuable things at this Mansion seems like a good and reasonable solution to me. Nevertheless I demand that you put away each other's forms after your encounters. I'm really annoyed by stepping on your unconscious bodies whenever you two had a fight.

 **Kanato:** TEDDY DOES NOT NEED AN EXTRA SMALL CHAIR IN THE KITCHEN! If you want one, carve it yourself, so stop bugging me!

It would also be helpful if you could stop taking Yui away from Ayato to make her into one of your dolls. It's a strict "no" Kanato! But coming back to your question from before: I would prefer a bloody red as an eye color for her – just like mine … We all know red is the new blue ( Shu: See, no one is into stupid blue eyes!). All this is merely hypothetical ofcourse, Kanato!

 **Richter:** Well, I'm not really the best person to talk to about your love life but I can assure you that your lovely Cordelia (who is DEAD by the way) wouldn't want you to watch over the triplets 24/7. What leads me to the next announcement: Stop talking about this women immediately. You make Kanato cry and Laito even more nymphomaniac than before.

 **Azusa:** The punishment was meant to be painful and cruel. You weren't supposed to ENJOY it and tell me to do it again. Guess I need to find a better way to punish a masochistic suicide like you. How about next time I will get Kanato to punish Yui in front of your eyes until he's satisfied while you will get no punishment at all? Does that sound cruel, painful, mean or negative in any other way to you?

 **Yui:** I don't care if Ayato made you do his homework or if Shu tried to have a bath with you, I'm the one you have to obey the first and foremost. Oh, and stop telling me about your disappearing underwear. You might want to look around in Laito's room. I also made a new potion and need a test object. Please come over to my room after finding your underwear (running around without it is plainly inappropriate).

 **Kou:** No more cats! This is a respectable mansion and no animal shelter! Your "kitty kitty, here, kitty kitty" is already haunting me in my dreams! Yui is too busy feeding all your cats to do what she's actually here for! Subaru told me the cat you call "Ayato" jumped down on him and teared his favorite shirt to tatters. Ayato complains that you called the cat "Ayato" instead of "Ore-sama", Laito is complaining because you didn't name a cat after him, Kanato is following me around telling me that Teddy hates cats and that everybody should stop acting as if the cats were cuter than Teddy, Teddy himself is quiet luckily but therefore I hear Shu sneezing and swearing all the time because he is allergic to cats! To make it short: Get the cats out immediately!

 **Ruki:** I want you to help out Laito in the kitchen before something explodes (again!) or the whole room burns down.

And I will never let you cook because the food is to "strong-flavoured" for your tastes – you won't get a chance to poison any of us and I won't fall for this!


	3. The gardening bond with the enemy

**To all residents in this mansion:** This immodest and improper demeanor all of you have demonstrated lately will not be tolerated anymore.

More regulations seem to be required and I do strongly suggest you do as they say if you don't wish to be punished.

I will also update the information given at this board once a week – more precisely every Monday – and I strongly recommend reading them regularly.

If there are any questions do not hesitate to inform me about it.

Sgd: Sakamaki Reiji

 **-.-.-.-**

 **Subaru:** I have no idea who trampled down your roses and I assure you, I couldn't care less.

Which brings me to the important point of you forming a friendship with the enemy! Seriously, year after year you had to be the grumpy, overly aggressive loner without friends and now – out of nowhere – you decide to form some kind of stupid gardening bound with Mukami Yuma? I expected more from you. No seeds for you anymore! I can think of better ways to spend the familys budget!

 **Richter:** When I told you to start your own family so you won't molest us anymore I didn't mean WITH YUI! Seriously, get a wife your age. A wife your nephews aren't fighting over if possible – which shouldn't be hard since my first suggestion already solves the problem with us fighting over a woman you're interested in … well except for Laito maybe.

 **Ayato:** Please, please tell me you were joking when you explained where you and Laito needed my ruler for all these years. That ruler is an expensive antique! It's made of mahogany! I can't even look at it anymore without having the picture of you two … taking the measurement of … certain body parts in my head! And no, Ayato it does not help me to know that yours is bigger than Laitos and has grown considerably well over the years!

 **Laito:** Please have a look at the message I left Ayato! Furthermore I won't give you more pocket money to buy more condoms, you'll have to find another way to prevent the world from having to deal with the results of your excessive sexual activity.

 **Shu:** Father told me to appreciate every single thing you do as long as it's not related to sleeping or being lazy (since I'm supposed to show you my gratitude for your existence and my "hidden, restrained love" towards you because you're my older brother and oh so precious heir of the family). But playing your damn violin at 5pm while everybody still tries to sleep is not helpful!

 **Kanato:** I suggest you start wearing your glasses more often. You can try to deny it Kanato but it wasn't Yui tripping you up, you simply don't see what's in front of you!

 **Yui:** Didn't I tell you that my white socks belong to the right side of the bottom drawer and the black ones to the left? Seriously, how incompetent are you? If you try to anger me, you deserve a proper punishment! Come to my room immediately, I'll teach you a lesson about how to keep house!

 **Kou:** I saw you taking one of my potions. Let's just say it's not the kind of potion you should play with. Whoever you planned to give it to, it couldn't affect me less but I'm already thinking about a punishment for you and I'll laugh about the poor person you gave it to. Sneaking into my personal room AND steal something. Boy, you seem to have a death wish.

 **Ruki:** I must admit it's enjoyable having someone to talk to who does at least understand what I'm talking about and isn't as far away from my educational level as certain other persons in this mansion. Ah, I will remember this conversation about the value of life and philosophy in addition with your smart quotes from Nietzsche for a long time.

 **Yuma:** I don't own any gardening books, no. And if I'll ever trip over a shovel, a harke or any other gardening tool again, I'll burn you alive and bury your ashes under your precious vegetables.

... I feel a bit dizzy all of a sudden... why do I feel so dizzy? And what's happening to my vision?! It's so blurry ...


	4. Children in need and model competitions

**To all residents in this mansion:** This immodest and improper demeanor all of you have demonstrated lately will not be tolerated anymore.

More regulations seem to be required and I do strongly suggest you do as they say if you don't wish to be punished.

I will also update the information given at this board once a week – more precisely every Monday – and I strongly recommend reading them regularly.

If there are any questions do not hesitate to inform me about it.

Sgd: Sakamaki Reiji

-.-.-.-

 **Ayato:** Your math teacher just asked me where exactly she can donate money for the "CIN – Children In Need" Foundation my younger brother founded to! She also told me she would've asked you herself, but YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN SCHOOL TODAY! Seriously, Ayato, let me tell you for the last time that a) you have to go to school as everybody else and b) Laito and you AREN'T CHILDREN IN NEED! I will buy that new stupid video game for you if you'll stop this nonsense of telling people about a not existent foundation! I can't even believe that ANYONE really has enough believe and trust in you to be so foolish to think that you would found such an organization.

 **Laito:** You forgot a girl in the entrance hall. Carry her away please, I don't need her running around as soon as she wakes up. Well, if she'll ever wake up again. And Kanato told me about a poster he saw in town. Why does said poster announce a "female model competition" lead by a so called "Mr. Revolotial" at our house next weekend? _Revolotial_ – truly heart-warming, Laito.

 **Shu:** I heard your sports teacher left the room entirely frustrated because you refused to move yourself away from the middle of the room where your class was about to play football. Are you proud of yourself?

 **Yui:** I think we need to change your view on submission. By the way, I misplaced my whip. Go and look for it, as a reward I'll give you a nice treatment with it afterwards!

 **Yuma & Kou:** Who of you replaced Shu's music with the soundtrack of "Assablanca"? This childish behavior of you is driving me insane. Still – congratulation, I think I never heard him scream this loud within the last 400 years.

 **Ruki:** They look the same, they taste the same!

It's no big deal taking Jalapenos instead of "Serrano's" for cooking! It does not turn our food into "shame corroded food"!

 **Azusa:** Did you take my whip? I hope for you, you didn't. I'll never beat you with it again if you did. And never ever start talking when I'm about to announce an important information, your way to speak makes everyone fall asleep within two minutes.

 **Kanato:** I can't hear that damn song anymore. And I assure you: I really don't know who's going to Scarborough Fair. Actually I couldn't care less anyway. And stop yelling at Azusa, you know that he enjoys it right?

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 _Couldn't come up with better things, sorry. :/ Next chapter will be funnier again, I hope. :D_

 **Thank you for reading my story and big thanks to everybody who left me a review! I appreciate it!**


	5. Mama Sakamaki

**To all residents in this mansion:** This immodest and improper demeanor all of you have demonstrated lately will not be tolerated anymore.

More regulations seem to be required and I do strongly suggest you do as they say if you don't wish to be punished.

I will also update the information given at this board once a week – more precisely every Monday – and I strongly recommend reading them regularly.

If there are any questions do not hesitate to inform me about it.

Sgd: Sakamaki Reiji

-.-.-.-

 **Laito:** Your teacher expressed her worries concerning your career choices for the future. She said you wrote down „scientist of sexology". She was concerned given your history of sexual harassment at school and asked me to talk to you about it – what I'm doing right now: We all know none of us will ever do a humans job, so stop shocking your teachers and write down something dull and unremarkable. Tell her you decided to become a cook or something in the future. On second thought – your naked cooking disasters were on instragram if I'm correct, so you might want to tell her about your dreamjob as a … gardener instead? Unless there are girls in your class you had sexual intercourse with in any existing gardens … well, make something up that won't make your teachers go to the headmaster.

 **Kanato:** Same goes for you actually, Kanato. „Dollmaker" is not an appropriate nor existing job. I was told you scared your classmates with stories about how to make a perfect wax doll. Do not talk about any kind of dolls in school again otherwise we'll all get in trouble and I will tell **that person** about it.

 **Ayato:** „King" and „Becoming an even better version of myself" aren't wise answers as well. And take down all 48 pictures and paintings of yourself you hung up in every room oft he Mansion within the next ten minutes or I swear I'll burn them.

 **Subaru:** I found out that it's NOT Yui wearing this inevitable rose perfume but YOU! I feel like I can't think straight because of it anymore and the whole Mansion smells like a whorehouse! Kanato is even sleeping in the garden since a few days, so stop it immediately!

 **Shu:** Same things I'm telling you for more then 400 years by now, deadbeat.

 **Richter:** Nothing. I'm glad you're actually gone.

 **Yui:** Stop eating crisps, your blood tastes disgusting because of it, seriously! You are always so much trouble.

 **Yuma:** I do find tomatoes IN EVERY CORNER of EVERY ROOM by now! Don't you think we're good now?

 **Ruki:** I had no idea vampires could be allergic against something. Very interesting – but also even more pathetic.

 **Azusa:** There are traces of bandages laying within the whole house … what do you try to accomplish?

 **Kou:** I forbid you to publish the song about me called „Mama Sakamaki"! How do you even come up with the idea of calling it that way? This is ridicolous!

-.-.-.-

 _I'm sorry for any mistakes or my unfunnyness but I wrote this really late. :D_

 _Have a good day everybody!_


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